3 Decisions That Changed My Dating Life — Forever
Hi, I’m Hoi, and thanks for reading my dating blog on iD8u — I Date You!
I write from my own male perspective and life journey. Women readers are very welcome too — it might give you some insight into how some of us men think (and yes, sometimes behave badly… but mostly good, I hope!).
I used to struggle with dating until I hit 30 and made three decisions that completely transformed my dating success and how I live my life.
Before that, I made all kinds of silly mistakes — being too nice, not honest about my feelings, investing time and money chasing women who weren’t interested, struggling to get past the first or second date, or ending up in the dreaded friend zone.
In this blog, I’ll share the turning point in my life that led me to these three game-changing decisions:
Try New Things.
Take Ownership.
Stop Chasing Women.
If you embrace these decisions, you’ll start meeting many more women — and some will be genuinely attracted to you. If she interests you, just make sure to match her effort.
Ready? Let’s get started!
(1) Try New Things.
I spent most of my 20s working crazy hours — sometimes 100 hours a week — and ended up worse than broke. Years of failed businesses left me drowning in debt. I thought if I worked hard enough in my 20s, I could semi-retire by my 30s. Well, that didn’t happen. Time kept moving, I wasn’t getting any younger, and I hadn’t achieved much. I was a mess — mentally, emotionally, and physically out of shape.
By 28, I hit a turning point. I desperately wanted to pull myself out of a deep, dark depression. I couldn’t keep sitting there feeling sorry for myself, trapped in negative thoughts. When you hit rock bottom, the only way is up. So I decided to stop the self-pity and figure out how to get out of that worthless state. That’s when I started reading books about how to change my life.
The first book that truly resonated with me — and kickstarted this whole journey — was A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. Recommended by my brother, I finished it in less than a week. It reinforced the idea that I had to take control and start building the lifestyle I wanted — starting now.
The very first action I took was simple: I started running every day for 20 minutes. Within three months, I’d lost nearly 3 stones (~19kg). I kept it up for two years without missing a single day — rain, hail, or snow. That must’ve been my “Forrest Gump” moment!
Alongside running, I improved my diet and picked up activities like MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) and bouldering. To fight this uphill battle, I needed to be in the best shape possible — physically and mentally.
One big challenge was that I didn’t even know what kind of lifestyle I wanted. Using the book as a guide, I focused on the “power of now” to figure out what I truly wanted. After reflecting deeply, I made a crucial decision to try new things — guided by four simple criteria:
Do things I dreamed of as a child — like learning partner dancing.
Do things I’m afraid of — like rock climbing, even though I’m scared of heights.
Do things I’m not good at — like blogging, despite my shaky English.
Do things I didn’t like for no good reason — like reading or listening to at least 12 (e)books a year.
Using these, I made a bucket list with over 100 items — and I’m still ticking them off! I probably won’t finish everything in this lifetime because the list keeps growing — but that’s the point.
You’ve probably read tons of self-development books. My advice? It’s not always about improving or pushing yourself hard. Sometimes, just experiencing something new and enjoying it is enough. Growth and self-development are great bonuses, but the main goal is to have fun and be passionate about what you do. When you genuinely enjoy something, the energy and vibe you give off attract others.
For the next three years, I invested my time and resources into classes and courses from my bucket list — within my budget and what was accessible. I gave myself a rule: try something seriously for at least three months before deciding whether to continue or quit.
This was a big shift because I used to quit things after one or two tries, telling myself I wasn’t good at them or I didn’t like them. But that’s a lazy excuse. Usually, we don’t like things at first because getting good takes time, effort, patience, and investment. But if you stick with it, you’ll reap what you sow.
From a dating perspective, trying new things helped me grow my character and taught me invaluable social skills for interacting with women and men alike. New activities naturally open doors to meet people. I also learned more about myself — what I want, and what I don’t. I discovered new passions, sharpened skills, opened my mind, and much more.
Even now, at 38, I still try new things. Recently, I’ve been fishing, bouldering again, and planning a bushcraft canoeing trip in Scotland. But I also focus mostly on what I’m passionate about — like Brazilian Zouk dancing and building projects that help others.
Ultimately, I learned that I could either sit and moan about what I don’t have, or I could go out and get what I want — even if it’s hard. It’s a simple choice.
You might be wondering: how does trying new things help your dating life? It helped me build a stronger mindset and character, laying the foundation for the next two life-changing decisions.
(2) Take Ownership.
You’ll probably struggle with (1) Try New Things if you don’t first embrace the mindset of taking ownership. For me, it took a couple of years to fully adjust, but now it feels natural — and honestly, I love it!
The tipping point came after wasting years not doing the things I wanted because my friends or the women I dated just weren’t into the same interests. No matter how hard I tried to convince or persuade others, it rarely worked — and when it did, it cost a huge amount of effort.
I had confidence issues. I was scared to do things alone and worried about being seen as a weirdo with no friends. Meeting strangers was intimidating — I didn’t know how to start a conversation or handle awkward silences. At 21, I’d still get my best friend to call and order takeaways because I was too scared to talk to strangers!
Up until 28, I was blocking myself — self-sabotaging — and barely doing the things I dreamed of. I stayed stuck in my comfort zone, letting other people’s decisions steer my life.
Enough was enough. The decision to take ownership was born out of frustration and a final thought of: “Fuck it, I’m doing this.”
My old approach? Ask others if they want to do something — and if no one was up for it, I’d do nothing.
My new approach? I’m doing this and it’s booked/planned. You’re welcome to join if you want. See you there if you do.
Do you see the difference? The new approach means the decision to act is already made — regardless of others. Asking people to tag along is just a courtesy, not a requirement. No dependencies. This means I get more of what I want done, faster.
The first few times felt scary and anxious — but those fears quickly faded the moment I took action. The things I was afraid to do alone? Gone. Kaput! And I met tons of people who share my passions, avoiding the trap of a small, stagnant social circle.
The time and energy I’ve saved is unbelievable. The past 10 years have been filled with solo trips, spontaneous flights, and adventures — that’s when the real journey began, and the people I met along the way were incredible.
One mindset that helped me take ownership was setting clear expectations about relationships. I made peace with the fact that my life would be great alone — and if I met someone, that would be a bonus. My happiness doesn’t depend on anyone else. I learned to love being alone, doing things alone, and going about life solo. Even now, when I’m in a relationship, this mindset stays true.
So that’s my quick story on how I took ownership of my life and relationships.
Here’s a little secret: this approach is a great way to gauge someone’s interest in you. (Not necessarily romantic love — just whether they’re willing to invest time and money.) When I like a girl, I invite her to things I’ve planned. If she joins, great. If she doesn’t, equally great! Their response gives me clear insight into their interest level. And if they come along, it’s a chance to spend time together and figure out what kind of relationship we want — platonic or romantic.
(3) Stop Chasing Women.
They chase me! Haha, well… aren’t I lucky? But honestly, I designed this approach not to get women to like me—or date me—but to stop wasting time chasing women who had no interest in me.
Up until I was 30, I was the kind of gentleman who paid for dates, dinners, drinks—sometimes splashing cash on random girls at night out, hoping to get their attention. This quickly emptied my bank account, as some women preyed on my generosity. But that wasn’t the tipping point.
The moment I truly decided to stop chasing women came after a serious incident when I was emotionally out of control and hated myself. A friend and I liked the same girl. I turned on him, asked him to back off, and that fractured our friendship. No matter how much I chased, I couldn’t get her to like me. My focus was derailed from rebuilding my life.
After that, I made a promise: stop chasing women and focus on what I want to achieve in this lifetime.
Since then, I’ve been fortunate to be surrounded by amazing women—and so can you.
Step one:
Stop chasing women… Stop chasing women… Stop chasing women… STOP CHASING WOMEN!
Got it? Good.
Why does this work? Am I using reverse psychology? Maybe… maybe not.
By not chasing, I saved time, money, and energy. I could focus on what truly mattered.
The secret? I became attractive. Not just physically, but by making women feel comfortable, respected, and safe around me.
I worked hard to build a set of characteristics that, to me, proved most attractive (in no particular order):
Knowing what I want and having clear goals—with a plan of action.
Respecting my time.
Being honest with my feelings and expressing them effectively.
Reducing ego and illusions; embracing reality.
Being passionate in everything I do, letting that energy radiate.
Knowing when to get close and when to give space.
Being decisive and avoiding procrastination.
Knowing how to lead when the moment calls for it—and how to follow with grace when it doesn’t.
What qualities do you find most attractive?
Many of these came from trying new things, reading books, listening to audibles, applying lessons through trial and error, and setting core life principles. I also learned psychological attraction techniques and subtle body language skills—how to communicate through a gentle gaze, facial expressions, and managing emotional and physical space.
If you want to start working on this, a great place is ‘How To Win Friends and Influence People’ by Dale Carnegie.
Instead of chasing, invest your time in becoming attractive. Women are everywhere—half the population of the planet! You don’t need to chase them; they’re already there.
Some think you must be physically attractive to find someone. Being healthy and taking care of your appearance is important, but if you’re still struggling past the first or second date (or not getting dates at all), you likely need to work on other personal qualities.
Making these three decisions—(1) Try New Things, (2) Take Ownership, and (3) Stop Chasing Women—were by far the most life-changing discoveries for me in dating and in life. All I really did was focus on working on myself. And the more I grew, the stronger the attraction effect became—almost unintentionally.
This approach only seems to work better as I get older—like vintage wine that ages well. There’s no expiry date on self-development, because real attraction goes far beyond just physical looks.
Now, you might be wondering: Is there a shortcut to all this? Honestly, I tried a lot of other methods, and none gave better long-term results than what I’ve shared here. And even when they “worked,” they didn’t attract the type of women I truly wanted. That said, everyone’s different—there’s no one-size-fits-all path. Explore, experiment, and find out what works best for you.
But before we wrap up, let me leave you with this:
If you choose to try this approach, please use it responsibly. Don’t manipulate or hurt anyone. Don’t be a dick. This is part of the core principle I live by: respect. Please, don’t try to “game” women. I’ve been down that road—and I truly hate that shit. It might get short-term attention, but it chips away at something deeper in you and in society. You don’t need to prey on insecurities to feel seen. There’s a better way—and yes, nice guys can come out on top.
So, here we are—the end of the blog. Thank you so much for reading this far. I genuinely hope you’ve taken something useful away from it. If you enjoyed this, please share it with someone who might benefit too.
If you’re planning to try out this method, I’d love to hear how it’s going for you. Got questions? Ask away—I'm more than happy to help.
Please drop a comment below—I’d really love to hear your story. What’s your dating journey been like? What challenges are you facing right now? I’d love to write more blogs that tackle the problems real people are going through.
In the next post, I’ll be sharing some of the books and attraction techniques that made a real difference for me—what I’ve learned, tested, and still use today. If that sounds interesting, subscribe to our newsletter below and you’ll be the first to know when it drops.
– Hoi x
